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A Bit Long.. But Hilarious.

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by meet_the_fockers, 2 May 2016.

  1. THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK AFTER USING ‘VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN’. (!!WARNING!!SOME EXPLICIT LANGUAGE) After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts
    had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus’s birthday as a bit if a treat.I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types…Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’ have have long to wait.At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn’t featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’nt managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering arhhh ooooohhh that feels good ahhh Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’nt heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasent the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect
     
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  2. Omg I have tears of laughter and can't stop giggling! Brilliant love it!!
     
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  3. I know poor beggar... so so funny!!! X
     
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  4. Lol how would you live that down!? Poor chap
     
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  5. Its so funny.. i could actually visualise his panic...and urgency :rofl:
     
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  6. MP386

    MP386 PV Sprtr

    It really shouldn't be funny but I haven't laughed so much in ages ....
    Trimming or shaving is a much safer bet .... :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:
     
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  7. Looby&Lew

    Looby&Lew PV Sprtr

    Me too could barely explain to Lew what was so funny.
     
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  8. I feel sorry for the wife after the flying sprout!! Pmsl
     
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  9. MP386

    MP386 PV Sprtr

    Just think how embarrassing it would be if he needed to go to A&E !
     
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  10. Maybe his wife had to go to a&e after being hit by a flying sprout!
     
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  11. MP386

    MP386 PV Sprtr

    Would the sprout have defrosted by then ?? Frozen it's going to hurt :lol:
     
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  12. Cold or warm its moving at high speed! Lol
     
  13. Therapon

    Therapon Admin Admin Sprtr

    Pmsl, best laugh I've had today, says he sitting here crossed legged :rofl::rofl::rofl:
     
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  14. Pearls

    Pearls Site Owner Staff Admin

    So funny :rofl::rofl:
     
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  15. OMG tooo damn funny...I can just see the sprout flying across the room and the butt shape in the ice cream pmsl
     
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  16. uk2002

    uk2002 PV Sprtr

    OMG brought tears of laughter to my eyes that did

    And the immense relief that it wasn't me and a vow never to go there with something like that

    Only surprised the kids didn't wake up when the wife screamed :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:
     
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  17. Hahahaha bloody hillarious. Omg!! Hahahaha never eating sprouts again lol. Xxx
     
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  18. Admin

    Admin Administrator Admin

    TLDR :D ;) xx
     
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  19. I know you would have to concentrate for a little while.. :whistle:
     
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  20. Admin

    Admin Administrator Admin

    Well that's true, but always difficult with you bouncing around the place making me throw me bobs everywhere.. ;)

    for those thinking :eek: Admin! it's a joke and yes I read it yesterday..
    :D
     
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  21. You bad bad boy.. i do hope your not spamming my thread? :smackpaddle:
     
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  22. Admin

    Admin Administrator Admin

    Moi!? As if I ever would... ;)
     
    • Like Like x 1
  23. Pearls

    Pearls Site Owner Staff Admin

    :eek:Oops x
     
    • Like Like x 1
  24. mrclouse

    mrclouse PV Sprtr

    Omg work of art
     
    • Like Like x 2
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