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Discussion in 'BDSM & Fetish Forums' started by Phoenixcouplexx, 16 February 2017.

  1. Phoenixcouplexx

    Phoenixcouplexx PV Sprtr

    This article is written to try and help a new submissive with some sensible advice on how to start out exploring the world of bdsm in a sensible, safe way. It is easy to be taken advantage of, not to mention put yourself in a situation where you can be at un-necessary risk.
    I would like to point out that these are my thoughts; they are by no means the be-all and end-all just what I have gained through time in the scene and experience with my own submissive and others.

    So first and foremost… You are in control until you choose to give up some of that control. Note I said ‘some’, you give up exactly what you want to give up when you want to give it up, of course you will always maintain a degree of control with the option to end any association or call a stop to play and re-evaluate. You always have a right to do either whenever you should choose, and the response should be instant with no hard feelings.

    How you choose to play and what that involves should be decided in discussion with any potential Dominant/Domme together. You should not be dictated to unless that is part of a discussed dynamic that you have agreed previously, which at this stage I would argue is too early for anything like that. Bdsm, submission, D/s is all about consent and trust. Trust is gained over time not granted over the internet because someone demanded it.

    Further down the line you may be asked to fill out a bdsm checklist you can find them online easily enough and they are fun to do. Some of the stuff on there you probably won’t have heard of so it will give you something to research. Don’t worry too much about filling one out, remember you shouldn’t be expected to know everything you like and dislike if you haven’t tried it. Just try to be as honest with yourself as you can when deciding if something is a hard limit (absolute no) or soft limit (Maybe under the right circumstances, not ruling out trying). You can always go back later and change it if you gain confidence and decide you might after all like to try something.

    It is worth noting that there may be something in your past you’ve tried but was actually done badly which is why it wasn’t a pleasant experience for you so maybe that will be different with someone that does know what they are doing. I’ve come across this in the past.

    Before you can have any sort of discussion of what you might like to try with a Dominant/Domme then it is a very good idea for you to actually understand what you are talking about. It is not entirely on the Dominant to inform you of all the different opportunities for play out there, have a look yourself. Google, research, read, talk. There is a lot to choose from and a lot is readily available to read about on the internet. Just pick and choose which you think is applicable to you.

    Consider reading ‘The story of O’ and ‘Screw the roses bring me the thorns’ for starters they are older books but worth reading, there are many more books out there to choose from. Read everything you can that’s factual not fictional if you are genuinely interested in the scene, don’t rely on a Dominant to tell you, be informed yourself. It will also help you understand if the potential Dominant/Domme you are talking to actually understands themselves what they are talking about because believe me there are plenty out there that don’t have a clue!

    Look into basic stuff: for example rope play. It is basic safety that anyone using rope for restraint should understand about restricting blood flow and pressure points. Safety scissors should be right there in case someone needs to be released quickly.
    How are you going to initiate a safe word or indicate distress if a gag were to be used?
    What types of candles are best suited to wax play?

    What are the safeword protocols and how does that Dominant use them? In my opinion it is important for safe words to be kept simple and easy to remember the traffic light system is both and it is all I ever suggest to a new submissive when asked. You must have something easy to remember when you are in your subs happy place ;)
    There are those that will tell you that safewords are not needed and that is true for some couples that know each other very well. Personally I think they don’t hurt for experienced couples to have an extra safety net there and for new submissives they are a no brainer. Any given Dominant/Domme doesn’t know you and you don’t know them well enough to play without.

    I will often ask my submissive to ‘give me a colour’ I am asking her for a safeword whether that be Red – stop, Amber – I’m ok but I am at my limit or Green – I’m doing great apart from the mess I am making between my legs. It keeps the safewords at the front of the mind and it lets the submissive know they are still there and available should they choose to use them.

    It is important that during your discussions prior to any play that you should notify the Dominant/Domme of any abuse in your past. This can manifest itself during play and completely change someone’s reactions and responses to play. You may not even expect it or understand it that is why it is important you tell a potential Dominant/Domme if there is any adverse history there. It may be advisable to avoid certain types of play for example or give the Dominant/Domme a heads up to potentially bad reactions as they start to unfold. Which will then enable them to deal with these situations better.
     
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  2. Phoenixcouplexx

    Phoenixcouplexx PV Sprtr

    There is no better alternative than actually talking to experienced, knowledgeable people in the scene so try to get on the forums, pick people who gain your respect through their articles and chat to them, both Dominant and submissive. Most will be more than happy to chat. Munches are the bdsm world’s equivalent of a social and there you will meet much more genuine players over the internet. Again look for those who gain your respect and pick their brains. It will also enable you to experience the atmosphere between Dominants and submissives. Look around you and pay attention to the mannerisms and communication between the people there. Some will appear absolutely the same as any other conversation, some will be more formal. Many Dominants and subs have their own subtle way of communicating and to someone new to the scene it can be fun watching it, if not educational.

    Places like the Birmingham bizzare bazzar and the London alternative market are worth a google and having a look at. Often the equipment and toys you can buy at these places are of a much better quality than the vanilla sites. Although more expensive!

    Looking for a Dominant that fits you is even harder than it is looking for a conventional relationship. There are simply less to choose from. There are also plenty of idiots and pretenders just like any other walk of life. Get used to that and be prepared to take your time and find the right fit for you. Rushing and giving in to that sub frenzy will potentially only lead to pain and not the good kind ;)

    Take one step at a time and think about the step you are taking. Does this person know what they are doing or has it previously been discussed that they are learning too and are therefore going very slowly whilst they learn. There is nothing wrong with that if they have been honest and they have convinced you they are acting in a safe manner and have your best interests at heart. Obviously though this is going to slow things down for you as you learn together rather than having one guide the other. Someone that is truly Dominant will understand what they are doing before they attempt to involve a submissive they will not or should not go into it blind so if you think they are then it’s time to reconsider.

    I do feel that a Dominant can’t be made it has to be in someone to begin with. But the actual physical skills are very much learnt. There is a huge difference between a Dominant man and a Domineering man and I think that simply comes down to caring. A Dominant man will care enough that the submissive comes first. They will consider their wellbeing before almost all else. A Domineering man cares about their own desires and drivers. They’ll use a submissive and move on sometimes leaving devastation in their wake.

    A Dominant/Domme will understand about sub space, sub drop and aftercare before they attempt to play because they will have researched before they get to that point to make sure they understand because they care about the submissive and want what’s best for them. If they don’t know that stuff then they’re not right for a new submissive, unless of course they have openly admitted they are interested in the field and are still very much researching and learning. In which case things would need to be started very, very slowly. Some basic restraint and sensation play is often a good place to start and work up from. That way both parties can work up from there. Remember if you are not happy then say so, do not remain quiet you always have a right to stop.

    If penetrative sex is to be involved then again this should be agreed or not prior to play not during, consider you may not be able to stop that man should he decide not to use protection. Like swinging I’d suggest to any single woman that it is smart to take your own protection rather than rely on potential playmates. He can’t ‘forget’ then.

    The venue where play may take place should be thought about. A public meeting initially is an absolute must… But then what?
    Some swinging clubs have very good bdsm events which are worth a look and places like the Birmingham bizzare bazzar have after parties as does the London alternative market which are both worth looking at too. Due consideration should be given to going anywhere on your own with a new Dominant. Sometimes it is hard to arrange an alternative. Only you can decide the level of risk you are willing to take but before you do make sure you understand it and don’t take it for granted.

    If you do decide to go somewhere more private then make sure you have a safety call number. A friend you have given the address to that you have arranged to text every couple of hours or they are to come and get you for example and that friend should be able to get you out of trouble should it occur. Always make sure you have an effective safety net. Tell whomever you are meeting what your arrangement is. If they are Dominant they’ll be pleased you thought of it, I would. They won’t be suggesting the cab of a lorry parked in a lorry park for first time Sub/Dom play though ;)

    Finally everything is negotiable for both parties. If you don’t like something then say so. If you don’t want a punishment dynamic then say so. If you want to learn about punishment before you decide then say so. Nothing should be forced on you. Not any part of the dynamic but that’s not to say you will then suit all Dominants/Domme’s should decide together if you can make it fit. But it should be about what both parties desire.

    Of course all of that is very different from a play session at an organised bdsm event, that’s not necessarily looking for a new Dominant that’s a much shorter term arrangement and considerably different in many ways.

    …Safe, Sane and Consensual…


    I hope this will help at least just one person because if it does I have achieved my aim,
    Phoenix..
     
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  3. Admin

    Admin Administrator Admin

    This is one of the best, most complete, most informative and unbiased posts I have seen on this subject.
    Bravo and Kudos to you @Phoenixcouplexx this is an amazing post and I am sure it helps calm any nerves and answer any questions some people may have. (y)
     
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  4. Phoenixcouplexx

    Phoenixcouplexx PV Sprtr

    You're to kind. Thank you...
     
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  5. Pearls

    Pearls Site Owner Staff Admin

    Excellent writing and perfect advice. ;)
     
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  6. Its a minefield... thankyou for taking the time to explain.. x
     
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  7. Phoenixcouplexx

    Phoenixcouplexx PV Sprtr

    Just trying help those that maybe discovering their submissive side and considering how they should go about exploring. So many get such bad advice I thought I'd try to provide something a little more balance with no motive other than helping others.
     
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  8. I know hun.. and its appreciated very much.. x
     
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  9. This is so helpful! I'm quite new to being a sub and don't have friends or anyone any round me that understands it or wants to talk about it. The internet is great for research but not great when you need someone to understand it. Thankfully I have a very considerate and caring dominant but it's really great to be able to have the advise there. Thank you Zoë :) x
     
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  10. Phoenixcouplexx

    Phoenixcouplexx PV Sprtr

    Hi Zoe and thank you.
    I'm glad you found it useful. You're right, it is really nice to have others to offload on and seek worthwhile advice from. Feel free to add anything you may wish to know to the thread if you feel the desire to. There's a few of us on here that should be able to give good advice if needed.
    I like my submissive to seek opinions from others aswell. I think it keeps her views balanced.
     
    Last edited: 22 February 2017
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  11. Lace

    Lace PV

    Very good write up X
     
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  12. Phoenixcouplexx

    Phoenixcouplexx PV Sprtr

    Thank you @Lace xx
     
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  13. Good stuff! If you could just send it back in time to my naive 18 year old self now please.
     
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  14. Phoenixcouplexx

    Phoenixcouplexx PV Sprtr

    I wish I could. Imagine how many people that would save so much hurt and heart ache.
     
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  15. A lot! And I imagine if anything it's worse for female subs just getting started.
     
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  16. Phoenixcouplexx

    Phoenixcouplexx PV Sprtr

    Horrendous for some...
     
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  17. Admin

    Admin Administrator Admin

    Stickied so we don't lose track of this. (y)
     
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  18. Phoenixcouplexx

    Phoenixcouplexx PV Sprtr

    Glad you think so. That's what it's all about ;) feel free to msg if you'd like to chat about any of it.

    Xxx
     
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  19. This is something that has always intrigued me (S), but isn't something I could do, but what an amazing/informative unbiased and great indepth insight, thank you for this xxxx:love:
     
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  20. Phoenixcouplexx

    Phoenixcouplexx PV Sprtr

    Thank you xxx
    Part of it is that there is no set way. You can play as much or as little as you like. You don't have to jump right in with both feet. To be honest the best way to do it is a little at a time anyway. Those that jump in at the deep end can quickly find themselves out of their depth ;)
     
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  21. Admin

    Admin Administrator Admin

    Absolutely, 100% (y)
     
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  22. emyr

    emyr PV

    what a great account that @Phoenixcouplexx has taken the time to post and is fulll of lots of useful information i shall look forward to reading more info
     
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  23. Sammy

    Sammy PV

    How did I miss this , I thought I had trawled through most of this corner

    Fabulous writing
    Love all your posts and the way you explain thing is fantastic

    A must read for any new sub

    Look forward to reading more
    Sx
     
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  24. Phoenixcouplexx

    Phoenixcouplexx PV Sprtr

    :love: Thank you @Sammy
     
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  25. Sammy

    Sammy PV

    Welcome
    Just wished I had that info when I started out ....many moons ago might have saved a lot of heart ache and physical pain .

    Happy it's different era esp on the good ship SS -
    Where frank and open conversations happen and people can ask questions in a safe environment.
    Sx
     
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