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Just For A Laugh.....

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by MickeyBlueBalls, 30 September 2016.

  1. Hello all. In need of a little downtime humour, have a funny story or joke to tell? Post it here and put a smile on someone's boat race.
    I'll start with an old favourite of mine, a long but funny read guaranteed to brighten up anyone's day......
     
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  2. This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary. Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right?
    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another.
    The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best..... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
    I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!% !@*!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A- ... that hurt like hell!!!
    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantle of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novacaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return. Still in shock...
     
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  3. And another one of my favourites -
    The Bricklayer's Accident Report...

    The next time you're having a bad day, just think -- you're lucky you're not this guy!

    This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board:
    Dear Sir:
    I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation, and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
    I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs.
    Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

    Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

    Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

    In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

    Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

    At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

    As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

    Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

    I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.
     
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  4. Oh the Darwin awards are brilliant.
     
  5. Offspring: Right, I'm off out mum.
    Mum: You aint going anywhere until you change that mini skirt.
    Offspring: why?
    Me: Because I can see your bollocks Dave.
     
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  6. Lmao. Quality mate. :rofl:
     
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  7. Admin

    Admin Administrator Admin

    Fantastic lol :D
     
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  8. Admin

    Admin Administrator Admin

    Indeed this really is a golden oldie. Love it :D
     
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  9. Pearls

    Pearls Site Owner Staff Admin

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  10. Admin

    Admin Administrator Admin

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  11. OMG nearly wet myself with these two stories...sat in Starbucks tearing s rolling down my face with people moving away from me...normal you would say :0))
     
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  12. I went in to Lloyd Maunder butchers the other day and I said to the butcher "hello, do you have a pig's head?"
    "Yes" he replied
    "Ok well give me a pound of mince you porky faced bastard".
     
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  13. Happened to me a few years ago...
    Well you may have guessed I enjoy weight training. So in the gym with my training partner and it was leg day.
    Racked up the bar ready for a bit of squatting. First couple of sets warming up, third set increased the weight I was pushing them out and as sometimes happens farted..normal ok. Training partner replied with a few choice words as he was supporting me, i.e. Hands under my armpits and squatting with me for support.
    Ok my fourth set extra weight, tighten belt get in position, buddy behind first couple ok then had to work hard, next thing farted but didn't stop there complete follow through, mate heard then felt it hit his leg screamed jumped back me now with no support bodily functions lost, couldn't hold the weight pushed barbell off backwards and fell flat on my back into all load of s***.
    Guys in the gym looking on in horror then falling over laughing so much. Took an age to live down, still kept same training partner but squatting moved to Smith Machine just in case :0)) xx
     
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  14. Lmao had the very same effect on me mate. Still gets me everytime especially the accident report.
     
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  15. That's some funny shit (no pun intended). Took a wee while to compose myself. :rofl::rofl:
     
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