What is a fake Dominant and how the hell do you spot them?
I wish I had 10p for every time I had been asked that question.
I'm writing this in the hopes that some of my thoughts will help a submissive avoid what could very well be a situation that isn't going to end well for them or worse. As usual these are my thoughts and mine alone so by no means are they the be all and end all.
A fake: not genuine, imitation, counterfeit, forgery or sham. That's the dictionaries version of fake. But how do you tell if a person is one when considering a Dominant?
A genuine Dominant's first concern is the wellfair of the submissive. For a genuine Dominant it is almost pathological, that is what feeds their Dominant needs. That means they will want to know about you, you the person, you the human being, your life, your work, how you are, your kids, your relationships, your history.
It's simple really, you cannot be a Dominant to someone that you don't know intimately and by that I mean what are their needs, strengths, weaknesses, what makes them happy, what makes them tick, what matters to them in their life, how can you as a Dominant help them grow as a submissive. If you don't know those things you can't, is the answer, so someone that isn't interested in those things is therefore a fake Dominant or a preditor looking for easy prey.
I would add here that 'topping' for a scene is something entirely different to being a Dominant for someone.
The genuine Dominants primary driver won't be sex they won't be suggesting sex on a first meet or sexual contact to 'prove' you are a genuine submissive, they won't be demanding from day dot from hundreds or thousands of miles away by the internet, they won't be imposing restrictions on you at all until you have had a mutually agreeable conversation about what you desire and what they desire and finding the middle ground. Which will include agreement on punishment and wether it will even be involved at all. It is not a given and it is not a requirement.
They won't be requiring you to call them 'Sir' or 'Master' within five minutes or weeks of meeting you or talking to you online. Those titles are earn't or at least established over time spent in a relationship. But a fake Dominant will feel entitled to them. Because they don't have what it takes to be genuine.
On that note. There are online bdsm relationships and it is a known phenomenon however it must be considered that online is very easy, it's a game to pass the time. A wise submissive may well choose to play that game for their own amusement too but it is still a game, nothing has been invested in that relationship at all except text and words and talk is cheap. A genuine Dominant will make sure the submissive knows that in reality neither has invested in a relationship like that and they are just playing. They will not let a submissive invest emotionally into a relationship like that because that could well damage a submissive both emotionally and their confidence for the future, not to mention it just isn't healthy. No long term future is there for the submissive and a genuine Dominant will want a long term future for a submissive they are involved with.
A fake will try to convince the submissive what they have is different and they have found their own one true Dominant
A genuine Dominant has depth. They will have interest in all of you and your life not a singular part that will usually involve sexual contact or thrills of some description.
Not everyone will hit all of those things but a genuine Dominant looking to engage a new submissive will in my opinion engage almost all, if not all. If they don't hit most of them then I'd consider that a very sizeable 'red flag' which is a warning sign in the scene. Then you have to decide is it a big enough flag to walk away or does it just mean you should be aware and tread very carefully. It will mean one or the other though that is something I am very sure on.
A fake Dominant will often try to convince you of their experience in the scene. Now here's the thing... it is well known in the scene and excepted that references can and often are sort from previous submissive contacts. A genuine Dominant will be able to provide at least one.
If they were in a long term D/s relationship then they may only have one. But if they are a genuine Dominant it will not be refused by their previous sub out of respect for services rendered by that Dominant if they were a good one of course, if they weren't then you don't want to go there anyway. A D/s relationship is different from any other type of relationship, references are the norm, contacts should be provided on request if not..... red flag.
A genuine Dominant will suggest a public meet for the first meet usually or if they don't but you do they will completely understand and agree. The fact that a sub feels safe and that everything is open and honest will be important to them. If they are resistant to a public meet or any meet at all then it is a big indicator they have something to hide and if they have something to hide then it's not genuine.... in other words Fake.
As previously said a genuine Dominant puts the wellfair of their sub right at the very top of their priorities. Certainly after some trust has been established and it is deemed a relationship is in place. That means contact...
No not through the internet website or messenger service like ****** that maintains their anonymity. They will be open with phone numbers. Mobile number, home number and address too. There will not be restrictions on when you can and can't call. Obviously times at work would have to be considered. The point is there will not be restrictions in place because other 'people' may be present outside of working hours.
If there is an emergency who's duty is it to aid a submissive? If the submissive cannot contact them immediately to inform them say... 'I've had an accident in the car I need you'.
How can they be a Dominant to that sub? If they know that then they won't consider a relationship or they will make it clear that it is an online game rather than the genuine article. A Dominant may wish to educate their sub to be more independent, a sub may wish to be more independent but a genuine Dominant will always be available to their sub no matter when, where or what time of day it is. Or who else may be home
If they are hiding something then they are not genuine... in other words Fake.
A fake Dominant will often seek to isolate a submissive having them believe that their way is the only way. Particularly from informed people within the scene and especially from other Dominants who maybe genuine and able to provide the real deal. Usually under the guise of 'their protection' but more often than not it is empowered by their own insecurities, it is used to have stronger control over a sub as there is no interference or influence from others.
You should never be restricted from seeking informed opinion from other sources or people. A genuine Dominant is always open to discussion, they may not agree and they may wish to handle their relationship in a different way but they should always listen to their submissives views.
A genuine Dominant doesn't lie, lying betrays weakness. A genuine Dominant does not ever want to appear weak. Vulnerable with their submissive at times sure, but never weak.
A fake Dominant will lie. That betrays weakness and reveals the fact that they are not in fact a Dominant but they may well be Domineering
As always if anyone has any more to add please feel free. Any personal experiences would be great too. I hope this helps guide others and can be used to good effect.
I wish I had 10p for every time I had been asked that question.
I'm writing this in the hopes that some of my thoughts will help a submissive avoid what could very well be a situation that isn't going to end well for them or worse. As usual these are my thoughts and mine alone so by no means are they the be all and end all.
A fake: not genuine, imitation, counterfeit, forgery or sham. That's the dictionaries version of fake. But how do you tell if a person is one when considering a Dominant?
A genuine Dominant's first concern is the wellfair of the submissive. For a genuine Dominant it is almost pathological, that is what feeds their Dominant needs. That means they will want to know about you, you the person, you the human being, your life, your work, how you are, your kids, your relationships, your history.
It's simple really, you cannot be a Dominant to someone that you don't know intimately and by that I mean what are their needs, strengths, weaknesses, what makes them happy, what makes them tick, what matters to them in their life, how can you as a Dominant help them grow as a submissive. If you don't know those things you can't, is the answer, so someone that isn't interested in those things is therefore a fake Dominant or a preditor looking for easy prey.
I would add here that 'topping' for a scene is something entirely different to being a Dominant for someone.
The genuine Dominants primary driver won't be sex they won't be suggesting sex on a first meet or sexual contact to 'prove' you are a genuine submissive, they won't be demanding from day dot from hundreds or thousands of miles away by the internet, they won't be imposing restrictions on you at all until you have had a mutually agreeable conversation about what you desire and what they desire and finding the middle ground. Which will include agreement on punishment and wether it will even be involved at all. It is not a given and it is not a requirement.
They won't be requiring you to call them 'Sir' or 'Master' within five minutes or weeks of meeting you or talking to you online. Those titles are earn't or at least established over time spent in a relationship. But a fake Dominant will feel entitled to them. Because they don't have what it takes to be genuine.
On that note. There are online bdsm relationships and it is a known phenomenon however it must be considered that online is very easy, it's a game to pass the time. A wise submissive may well choose to play that game for their own amusement too but it is still a game, nothing has been invested in that relationship at all except text and words and talk is cheap. A genuine Dominant will make sure the submissive knows that in reality neither has invested in a relationship like that and they are just playing. They will not let a submissive invest emotionally into a relationship like that because that could well damage a submissive both emotionally and their confidence for the future, not to mention it just isn't healthy. No long term future is there for the submissive and a genuine Dominant will want a long term future for a submissive they are involved with.
A fake will try to convince the submissive what they have is different and they have found their own one true Dominant
A genuine Dominant has depth. They will have interest in all of you and your life not a singular part that will usually involve sexual contact or thrills of some description.
Not everyone will hit all of those things but a genuine Dominant looking to engage a new submissive will in my opinion engage almost all, if not all. If they don't hit most of them then I'd consider that a very sizeable 'red flag' which is a warning sign in the scene. Then you have to decide is it a big enough flag to walk away or does it just mean you should be aware and tread very carefully. It will mean one or the other though that is something I am very sure on.
A fake Dominant will often try to convince you of their experience in the scene. Now here's the thing... it is well known in the scene and excepted that references can and often are sort from previous submissive contacts. A genuine Dominant will be able to provide at least one.
If they were in a long term D/s relationship then they may only have one. But if they are a genuine Dominant it will not be refused by their previous sub out of respect for services rendered by that Dominant if they were a good one of course, if they weren't then you don't want to go there anyway. A D/s relationship is different from any other type of relationship, references are the norm, contacts should be provided on request if not..... red flag.
A genuine Dominant will suggest a public meet for the first meet usually or if they don't but you do they will completely understand and agree. The fact that a sub feels safe and that everything is open and honest will be important to them. If they are resistant to a public meet or any meet at all then it is a big indicator they have something to hide and if they have something to hide then it's not genuine.... in other words Fake.
As previously said a genuine Dominant puts the wellfair of their sub right at the very top of their priorities. Certainly after some trust has been established and it is deemed a relationship is in place. That means contact...
No not through the internet website or messenger service like ****** that maintains their anonymity. They will be open with phone numbers. Mobile number, home number and address too. There will not be restrictions on when you can and can't call. Obviously times at work would have to be considered. The point is there will not be restrictions in place because other 'people' may be present outside of working hours.
If there is an emergency who's duty is it to aid a submissive? If the submissive cannot contact them immediately to inform them say... 'I've had an accident in the car I need you'.
How can they be a Dominant to that sub? If they know that then they won't consider a relationship or they will make it clear that it is an online game rather than the genuine article. A Dominant may wish to educate their sub to be more independent, a sub may wish to be more independent but a genuine Dominant will always be available to their sub no matter when, where or what time of day it is. Or who else may be home
If they are hiding something then they are not genuine... in other words Fake.
A fake Dominant will often seek to isolate a submissive having them believe that their way is the only way. Particularly from informed people within the scene and especially from other Dominants who maybe genuine and able to provide the real deal. Usually under the guise of 'their protection' but more often than not it is empowered by their own insecurities, it is used to have stronger control over a sub as there is no interference or influence from others.
You should never be restricted from seeking informed opinion from other sources or people. A genuine Dominant is always open to discussion, they may not agree and they may wish to handle their relationship in a different way but they should always listen to their submissives views.
A genuine Dominant doesn't lie, lying betrays weakness. A genuine Dominant does not ever want to appear weak. Vulnerable with their submissive at times sure, but never weak.
A fake Dominant will lie. That betrays weakness and reveals the fact that they are not in fact a Dominant but they may well be Domineering
As always if anyone has any more to add please feel free. Any personal experiences would be great too. I hope this helps guide others and can be used to good effect.
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