Comedy Corner. Post Your Favourite Jokes.

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Deleted member 3657

Exactly as it says on the tin.

My wife rang me at work. She said, "Two packages arrived today. The first was your Playstation 3 and the second is the new Rampant Rabbit vibrator we ordered. I can't wait for you to get home and play with me for hours." I said, "You'll be fucking lucky... I only ordered one controller."
 
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meet_the_fockers

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”
 
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meet_the_fockers

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked. :D
 
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meet_the_fockers

I am a ninja.
No your not!
Did you see me do that??
Do what??
Eggggggsactly. :D
 
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Scrunchy&Muffet

Two paramedics attend a road traffic accident. They approach the car involved to find a man screaming hysterically but still stapped into the car.
The paramedics try and calm him down and say....sir, please relax at least you wernt thrown through the windscreen like your girlfriend.
The man screams at the top of his voice"have you seen whats in her f**king mouth"?
 
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Deleted member 3657

The Wizard of Oz - the ultimate chick flick.

Two women fighting to the death over a pair of shoes
 
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Deleted member 3657

I’ve started a support group for people who’ve been ripped off by locksmiths. If you need me my door is always open.
 
Admin

Admin

Admin
15 September 2014
39,172
97,397
I was in the pub with my grandfather once... and we got talking about sex, oddly.
Anyway I finally had the courage to ask; "Granddad what's sex like at your age?"
He replied with a smirk;
"Son it's brilliant... I can play with her clit and her tits with one hand"
:D
 
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peakcouple

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."
 
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Deleted member 1030

peakcouple said:
A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."
Click to expand...
A girl, at the same party, turned up wearing only red gloves and red boots. When asked what she'd come as, she replied "Dying embers.... and if someone doesn't poke me soon, I'm going out!
 
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Deleted member 1030

How many Freudian psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two... one to change the lightbulb the other to hold the penis.... er, father... er, ladder, THE LADDER!!! :confused:
 
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MickeyBlueBalls

I once ordered a book from the internet "how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbours". Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.
 
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MickeyBlueBalls

More advice: if you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, onto a little seesaw and then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.....
 
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MickeyBlueBalls

And my last one......
I like my coffee like I like my women, in a plastic cup.
 
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MickeyBlueBalls

C'mon peeps. I need more jokes to keep me going on this long ass Friday afternoon......
 
Lips_Pearls

Lips_Pearls

19 March 2015
23,755
64,858
Some pranks I've done as well as jokes;
Garage ones;
I once sent an apprentice up the shop for tomorrow's newspaper for the crossword answers :D

Once pinned all my bosses eggs and blew the egg out of the shells and put them all back in the fridge. He was not impressed and went into a rage...

I kept putting his butter in the fridge.. and he would go nuts, he said next time someone did it, the fridge would go in the skip, so I did it again of course.. but he scared me that time. LOL he slammed the door so hard, the shelving units came off the door, and the glass shelves inside, smashed. :eek: brilliant it was.

Best had to be when I put about four extra long cable ties to each drive shaft :rofl: he went around the block and came back in with a right panic... "lads I need to check my car over the pit" omm he went berserk. :D
 
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