Side Convos With Our Couple

[Beachgirl81]

Hi All - I'm here because my husband and I are finding our "sea legs" in this new to us lifestyle. After an exhaustive search and meeting couples (though very lovely) that just weren't a match, we finally met our match. We have been on 4 dates and 1 awesome hotel overnight together. We chat on kick as a group everyday. A lot of our convos are vanilla as we get on with them on a friendship level very well. My question is about side convos with each other's spouse. We sometimes reach out and say hi separately but last Friday after our group date we were group messaging to thank each other for a great night out. Then I saw the wife side message my husband "OMG" and I asked him what that was about. And on the Uber ride home my husband had his hand between her legs (no big deal right?) And she was excited about that... now mind you most of the night I was making out with her husband at the bar and they weren't doing this. But it felt weird to me, the side text and I can't pin point way exactly. Maybe because I was siting beside her and had no idea what was happening. Am I off base here? Am I a hypocrite for these feelings? They are a great couple and part of this is that I don't want to mess it up. The other side of me is aware that side convos can create a level of intimacy that can be dangerous.

What is standard operating procedure here? I suggested to my husband that we discuss this with them as well to see what they are comfortable with.

Sorry for the long post!

 

[BoltonBiFemCpl]

Don't think I would be happy about it either as it shows some level of keeping secrets and that's not we are about.

 

[BlancoGoGo]

I don't see a 'side' conversation being a problem in itself. Secrecy about the fact, however, is. I often message with A.N. Other, sometimes tell Blanco about it. Sometimes don't. But it's all transparent. If he wants to know, he only has to ask, there are no secrets.
I think the clue here is your uneasiness. More communication between you & your man is maybe needed? Iron it out before it becomes a big problem.
GG xx

 

[Andy1234-]

I don't see a 'side' conversation being a problem in itself. Secrecy about the fact, however, is. I often message with A.N. Other, sometimes tell Blanco about it. Sometimes don't. But it's all transparent. If he wants to know, he only has to ask, there are no secrets.
I think the clue here is your uneasiness. More communication between you & your man is maybe needed? Iron it out before it becomes a big problem.
GG xx

Think you've hit the nail on the head get things out in the open asap sort them and things wont get out of hand

 

[Baldrick]

Hi @Beachgirl81.
We are interested in reading other peoples thoughts and perceptions on this.
I don't usually give advice, everyones situation, personalities, rules are different however I will tell you what I would do if I were in your position.

Step 1. I'd apply the brakes immediately if either of us were uncomfortable with a situation. Everything stops until everybody is happy, which leads me directly to......

Step 2. Communicate with your other half. Make sure you both know the rules you wish to play by (does your husband know you are uncomfortable with the side texting? perhaps he thinks you're ok with it?). Nothing is as important to you as your own relationship and that has to be prioritised above all else.

Personally for us we have both allowed each other to flirt with whoever we like on this website as we both have access to the profile, therefore there are no secrets. If a fella had Kaz's phone number and were texting her, I would be most unhappy. I am kaz's protector and husband (well nearly) first and foremost. Anybody who wants to get in her knickers has to be vetted and approved by me first and vice versa for ladies wanting to get into my undercrackers.

Step 3. Once the ground rules between you both are established and you are both 100% happy I would suggest talking to the other couple and laying out your boundaries.

We would only play with other people if we knew our boundaries were going to be respected. If either of us started getting bad vibes we would call it off.

Again this is my opinion on what we would do in this situation. Everbody is different and I am hardly a swinging guru.

I hope it all works out for you.

Good luck

B x

 

[Beachgirl81]

Thank you all for your advice.

To answer a few questions. Yes I immediately shared with my SO that I was uncomfortable by the side chat - but I couldn't pin point exactly why in the moment.

We are very open about our feelings and understand this is the only way to make any of this work. He has access to my phone and I have access to his - we agreed that if either of us is uncomfortable in any way, we put the brakes on.

I suggested we discuss this with our special friends next time we are together just to make sure we are all on the same page and he agrees.

It was never a secret that she side messaged him, it just rubbed me the wrong way and I wanted to reach out to you all as there is such value in talking with people in the lifestyle. Vanilla friends would NEVER get it lol!

The good far outweighs the bad here and it's all about knowing the rules that we set within our own relationships.

Much <3

 

[Baldrick]

Thank you all for your advice.

To answer a few questions. Yes I immediately shared with my SO that I was uncomfortable by the side chat - but I couldn't pin point exactly why in the moment.

We are very open about our feelings and understand this is the only way to make any of this work. He has access to my phone and I have access to his - we agreed that if either of us is uncomfortable in any way, we put the brakes on.

I suggested we discuss this with our special friends next time we are together just to make sure we are all on the same page and he agrees.

It was never a secret that she side messaged him, it just rubbed me the wrong way and I wanted to reach out to you all as there is such value in talking with people in the lifestyle. Vanilla friends would NEVER get it lol!

The good far outweighs the bad here and it's all about knowing the rules that we set within our own relationships.

Much <3

It seems to me that you both are already making the right decisions in resolving your feelings on the situation. You sound like you have an open and honest relatiinship and my advice was probably useless .

Happy swinging.

B x

 

[Looby&Lew]

We quite often text other parties separately but it is on the basis that either party can read these messages upon request. This in itself sets boundaries because I would never message anything that I was unhappy for Lew to read or anything that I thought would make him unhappy. If I received a message that Lew might be uncomfortable with then I would tell both Lew and the other party. In a longer term FWB these conversations settle into a norm we've found. But communication all round is key.

 

[Beachgirl81]

It seems to me that you both are already making the right decisions in resolving your feelings on the situation. You sound like you have an open and honest relatiinship and my advice was probably useless .

Happy swinging.

B x

Your reply def was not useless! I appreciate it and helps me understand we are doing the right things!

 

[BlancoGoGo]

We quite often text other parties separately but it is on the basis that either party can read these messages upon request. This in itself sets boundaries because I would never message anything that I was unhappy for Lew to read or anything that I thought would make him unhappy. If I received a message that Lew might be uncomfortable with then I would tell both Lew and the other party. In a longer term FWB these conversations settle into a norm we've found. But communication all round is key.

This, I think, is what it's about. Absolute trust.

It's bloody wonderful!

 

[Looby&Lew]

This, I think, is what it's about. Absolute trust.

It's bloody wonderful!

It is wonderful and liberating x

 

[AlmeriaH]

I'm pleased to see what great advice you have been offered by the other members, it shows what a great bunch they all are. I agree with what they say. In the past I have mentioned (elsewhere) that I was looking for an M-F couple where it could be a possibility that he and I could possibly explore our bi sides as well. I was in contact with a few couples in which the guy admitted to being openly bi, and having relationships with other men, but without his partner's knowledge. To me this was an instant red flag, if they are not being honest with their partners I felt that it would be extremely likely they would not be honest with me. I dropped contact with all those who were like this.

Honesty is paramount, not only with your SO but also with whoever you plan to spend your time. If they are not being 100% open with you, they are not for you. And trust is like a Ming vase - you can only break it once. Even if you put all the pieces back together, what you have will never be the same again.

 

[BoltonBiFemCpl]

We have always tried to keep this swinging lark as simple as possible so we use 1 account and 1 phone that we both use so that everything is readable by the other. We also dont always say who it is reading or replying to things as this stops any side chats developing.