Z
zebo
Viagra is now available in tea-bags. It doesn't enhance sexual performance or flavour, but it does stop your biscuits going soft.
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Z
zebo
I was standing in Pub yesterday and this little Chinese guy
comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.
I said to him. "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu,
Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"
He says. "No, why the fluck you ask me dat! Is it coz I Chinee"?
"No." I said. "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick".
comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.
I said to him. "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu,
Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"
He says. "No, why the fluck you ask me dat! Is it coz I Chinee"?
"No." I said. "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick".
Z
zebo
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion.
The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream nonstop for five minutes."
The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."
The Aussie said: “That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, y'know, all overher body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter and then made love. I made her scream for two long hours." The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? Wow! That's phenomenal. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"
The Aussie replied, "I wiped my hands on the curtains."
The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream nonstop for five minutes."
The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."
The Aussie said: “That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, y'know, all overher body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter and then made love. I made her scream for two long hours." The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? Wow! That's phenomenal. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"
The Aussie replied, "I wiped my hands on the curtains."
Z
zebo
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'
He addressed the man,
'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Homepride, isn't it?
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'
He addressed the man,
'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Homepride, isn't it?
Z
zebo
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" They ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart"
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" They ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart"
Z
zebo
A tourist in Vienna is going through a
graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music.
No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally
locates the origin and finds
it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads :
"Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770 - 1827"
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is
being played backward!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return
with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.
This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece,
it is being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return
with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.
The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the
reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th
and then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered
around the grave.
They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group
Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"I would have thought it was obvious" the caretaker says.
"He's decomposing."
graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music.
No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally
locates the origin and finds
it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads :
"Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770 - 1827"
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is
being played backward!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return
with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.
This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece,
it is being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return
with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.
The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the
reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th
and then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered
around the grave.
They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group
Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"I would have thought it was obvious" the caretaker says.
"He's decomposing."
Z
zebo
Telephone rings, woman answers.
Pervert, breathing heavily, says,
"I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"
Woman replies,"Yes, I have,
He's watching the football ... Who shall I say is calling?"
Pervert, breathing heavily, says,
"I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"
Woman replies,"Yes, I have,
He's watching the football ... Who shall I say is calling?"
K
kopinov
K
kopinov
M
meet_the_fockers
I was browsing updates, all i saw was coz he was stuck in a chicken.
I thought you finally been tipped over the edge!!
K
kopinov
.. 'fraid that happened decades ago.I thought you finally been tipped over the edge!!
M
meet_the_fockers
Well i knew you where pretty close!.. 'fraid that happened decades ago.
Z
zebo
Our local ice cream man was found dead in the back of his van yesterday, covered in hundreds and thousands.
The police recon he topped himself
The police recon he topped himself
K
kopinov
What do single-celled Mexicans put under their carpets?...
Underlay Underlay Amoeba Amoeba!!
E