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Baldrick's wisdom.........

Baldrick

5 July 2016
5,740
9,823
City
Ossett
.........AKA the ramblings of a madman whose mind is clearly on the edge of sanity.

That's right I've given myself my own thread . Check here for top tips and inspirational ideas.
This thread may stop me highjacking other threads (although this is highly unlikely ).

Feel free to contribute your own ramblings, musings, ideas here.

B x
 

Baldrick

5 July 2016
5,740
9,823
City
Ossett
Inspired by my first random musing today.
Wouldn't Love Island be 100% better if they made it 'Battle Royale' .

B x
 
D

Deleted member 1030

Baldricknkaz said:
Inspired by my first random musing today.
Wouldn't Love Island be 100% better if they made it 'Battle Royale' .

B x
Click to expand...
I have often fantasized that, come the Glorious Revolution, the only reality TV show will be me and a sniper rifle, on the rooftops of Chelsea, picking off over-privileged, chinless twats in ever more spectacular ways.
 

BoltonBiFemCpl

26 July 2016
2,347
3,886
City
Bolton
In fact all reality TV shows should have this format so we could get rid of a load of old C list celebs at no cost to the public.
Use the last person standing format and give them a few quid for winning it then after 10 winners we could have a winners special so we only end up with 1 old celeb left and we could afford to give them big bucks so they can afford to go live in the sun some place.
 

Baldrick

5 July 2016
5,740
9,823
City
Ossett
meandlis said:
I have often fantasized that, come the Glorious Revolution, the only reality TV show will be me and a sniper rifle, on the rooftops of Chelsea, picking off over-privileged, chinless twats in ever more spectacular ways.
Click to expand...
........ and somebody's forgotten to take their pills today

B x
 

Baldrick

5 July 2016
5,740
9,823
City
Ossett
Ooooooo I like this idea. Who do we pitch it to? That could be a good thread that, who do we want to put in a Battle Royale .

B x
 

BoltonBiFemCpl

26 July 2016
2,347
3,886
City
Bolton
Baldricknkaz said:
Ooooooo I like this idea. Who do we pitch it to? That could be a good thread that, who do we want to put in a Battle Royale .

B x
Click to expand...
Biggins or that timmy mallet would be my first to vote in. right pair of talentless knobs. as a secret weapon i would give them each a gun thats broken and wont fire to make sure they get killed off early
 

Baldrick

5 July 2016
5,740
9,823
City
Ossett
BoltonBiFemCpl said:
Biggins or that timmy mallet would be my first to vote in. right pair of talentless knobs. as a secret weapon i would give them each a gun thats broken and wont fire to make sure they get killed off early
Click to expand...
Alan Carr is my vote in............ wearing a blindfold......... just to be sure

B x
 

BoltonBiFemCpl

26 July 2016
2,347
3,886
City
Bolton
We could have another game just for politicians - we could give them all a knife and see who's back they stick it in
 

BoltonBiFemCpl

26 July 2016
2,347
3,886
City
Bolton
Hell just had an ace idea for love island change of format - Just add a few lions to the island. That would be ace to watch cos you might sneak off for a shag some place and get eaten doing it.
 

Baldrick

5 July 2016
5,740
9,823
City
Ossett
BoltonBiFemCpl said:
Hell just had an ace idea for love island change of format - Just add a few lions to the island. That would be ace to watch cos you might sneak off for a shag some place and get eaten doing it.
Click to expand...
Them dipsticks would try to fuck the lion

B x
 

Baldrick

5 July 2016
5,740
9,823
City
Ossett
So on Friday Kaz saved me a delicious slice of chocolate cake. The kids were told "hands off the last slice is for Dad".

Well by the time I'd gotten around to eating it, the kids had nibbled at it and I only had half a slice left. Under interrogation nobody would confess and all pointed the finger at each other.

Top tip for those with kids who nibble at your slice of chocolate cake:-
1. Carefully slice and remove the top layer of cake.
2. Apply Brown Sauce to the top of the bottom layer.
3. Replace top layer back onto cake.
4. Put cake on a saucer on the kitchen table.
5. Sit in the living room and listen out for kids wretching and spitting in the sink and looking green as they walk past you, knowing full well that they can't ask you why the cake they weren't allowed to eat tastes rank.



B x
 

Baldrick

5 July 2016
5,740
9,823
City
Ossett
and before anybody complains....... It's not 'Cruelty' it's 'Obedience Training' .

B x
 

MOTM

Pearls

18 July 2015
55,114
120,883
Ok so here's a question... When we are educating sex to the younger ones why to we refer it to "The birds and the bees" I have never understood it or am I missing something
 

Baldrick

5 July 2016
5,740
9,823
City
Ossett
Pearls said:
Ok so here's a question... When we are educating sex to the younger ones why to we refer it to "The birds and the bees" I have never understood it or am I missing something
Click to expand...
Apparently according to Wikipedia it's because the fertilisation of a birds egg or pollination of a flower is easier to explain to kids than the actual truth .

I've always tried to be direct with the kids when telling them but they already know so much through school. However we've always encouraged them to approach us when they think they're ready for sex so we can run through the basics, precautions and safe sex.

B x
 

MOTM

Pearls

18 July 2015
55,114
120,883
Thankyou
 
Reactions: Therapon

MOTM

Lovernotfighter

3 February 2016
6,691
16,801
City
York
Pearls said:
Ok so here's a question... When we are educating sex to the younger ones why to we refer it to "The birds and the bees" I have never understood it or am I missing something
Click to expand...
Because we generally have pretty shitty sexual education in this country, and pretty poor education ministers too seriously a home that ever mutters the term the three R's should never be allowed anywhere near a child's education ( seriously of the three only reading starts with an R and arithmetic doesn't even sound like it starts with an R, never mind the modern world demand skills in the much wider expansive subject of maths rather than the narrow arithmetic (slight rant over)).
 

MOTM

Pearls

18 July 2015
55,114
120,883
Ok so this is all about health and safety of the spider world...

So I was made to believe that these little darlings can crawl about simply looking for a target, usually our limbs.. Now I have no problem with the little critters as long as my limbs are off the ground when some jolly great big hairy beast comes hunting which is what we all do.

Now this is where the situation takes a turn for the worse scenario
There I am painting my fence, enjoying the sun when something catches my eye, crawling in front of me I spot a quite innocent little black and white striped spider with 8 thick black legs and a red striped head.. I'm calm but think to myself this dude looks like an everton mint and he's quite pretty as spiders could be..

So I make the decision to let the little man just walk on by, rather than give him a headache.
The next thing I see him on the next fence panel, Wow how quick is he I thought to myself, but this black and white minstrel had something else than the power to be a quick little bugger on his 8 legs, as I watched... HE JUMPED from the panel to the post, (a good 5inches)

Now this leaves me not only shocked and stunned at the thought of a jumping spider that was only about 10inches from my face but I feel let down that I was unaware of such creatures in this country.

I leapt out a loud scream (as anyone would) and the next second I heard the howl of my neighbour screaming kill the Basstid quick So without a second to spare I quickly grabbed my painting brush, Looked straight into his red angry eyes and took a leap of faith and swooped in with the brush and paint, shaking at the thought he could potentially leap at any time but I managed to out wit the git and splattered him in Ronseal....

So guys and girls be aware, they are out there and ready to pounce. Stay safe and always carry a brush. Just in case you face the same fate.
 
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