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Second Opinion Please

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by AutumnH, 16 January 2017.

  1. AutumnH

    AutumnH PV

    Go and make a cup of tea, this is a long post! Very much off topic but I really need other people's opinions. So here's the story:

    My (ex, maybe) best friend and I had a falling out last year. She wanted me to go the cinema with her for her birthday. I couldn't because at the time, I was in a job where I had to get up at 5am to start work at 6. I asked if we could go to the showing before the time she wanted to go, because I can't afford to get home late, eat, get ready for the following day and go to work tired and the chances are, during a late showing I would fall asleep during the film, which would be a waste of money.

    She said no, there was no way she would change the time of the film, so I declined and told her, well I'm sorry but I can't go. Then I have a text message from her telling me that she's feeling let down by me and how disappointed that I won't be there. The point is, we've been friends since school, I have never missed her birthday, I have always gone to the cinema with her on her birthday, and she's got her arse in her hand because I can't go.

    I offered to take her card and present and meet her there, but I explained again that I'm at work and there's not a lot I can do. Her response "I don't want a present, I want my friend and don't bother". I met her there anyway with said present, she told me that she thinks I'm patronising because I explained why I couldn't go, and she wants to see me before she goes away on holiday. I told her I'd look at my rota, but I don't know when I'm off. We left it at that, and we haven't spoken since (in between all this, there was a snotty Facebook comment from her sister, and a couple of those stupid angry Like emoticons on a post of mine, all of which I ignored).

    Now, her sister has messaged me and asked if I could send her a special video message for her 30th Birthday. And I'm thinking, nay feckin' chance, why should I?

    Firstly, said friend has always been selfish during our friendship. She expects me to pick her up and take her back home if we go out or a coffee or catch-up, she never asks how I am or what I'm upto because she's too busy talking about herself, her boyfriend and their problems, she treats him like shit (which I've always told her about), she's incredibly self-centered and hasn't bothered to try and talk to me since her birthday last year. I realised that we were in a narcissist / empath relationship (go read about it, honestly it's really interesting), and since stopping communication I have felt better in myself. The reason why I haven't contacted her is because she's so selfish and self-involved I can't stand it anymore. She's going to need me, a lot sooner than I will need her.

    Question is, should I just make the stupid birthday video or not bother?
    My gut is telling why should I bother when she's so selfish (and the KNOWS she is!), when she couldn't even take my circumstancesinto account and accept that I won't jump on command.
     
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  2. AutumnH

    AutumnH PV

    You've got it immediately. I've always accommodated her, but the one time in 15 years that I've said "no, I can't" suddenly, I'm the dickhead.
     
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  3. It seems to me she has become this way because what ever she has wanted over the years people have given to her. I had a friend exactly the same. The problem is that as soon as you give in to them you're back to square one. If you carry on and just look happy without them they do eventually come crawling back on your terms but only if they are worth any sort of friendship. If they want to keep a childish relationship then move on and stay happy without them.

    Life is to short for idiots!!
     
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  4. It seems you have done far more than most of a long period of time. If the considerations had been reciprocated over the years of friendship then you wouldn't be feeling the way you do. But it hasn't. I'm a believer of being there especially for people who deserve it (and others but friends especially) but if it's all one way, followed by selfish comments then are they YOUR friend? You must get be her friend but not the other way round. I'm going to be a little PC here, I would tell her to ram it. You need people in your life that make you happy as much as you make them happy. Works both ways.
     
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  5. you guys have been friends since school - thats almost half your life considering its approaching her 30th.

    The fact you're even thinking about her, let alone seeking advice on here, suggests to me that in some way you do miss her - even if it is her narcissistic (?!) ways that match your empathic ways. You probably feel bummed about doing the video because its been 'expected' of you to do so - but I reckon you'd feel more gutted a year from now if you didnt do the video.

    If you miss her - call her and arrange to meet/talk/skype whatever. Precious friends don't come along so often.

    Or to put it bluntly, if she passed away tomorrow and you were to never see her again would you feel upset or indifferent?
     
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  6. h0rnyuk

    h0rnyuk PV Sprtr

    I think pixie has summed it up pretty well and would take her advice. Your friend seems like a constant soon drain and you don't need people like that in your life. Do what's right for you but stay pleasant, explain your reasoning and if she can't accept it walk away.
     
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  7. Initially as I was reading it I thought that she just didn't have any understanding or concept of shift working but as you continued it became apparent that she seems pretty self centred.
    Friendship is about give & take & as the late great George Michael said "you've shown me you can take, you've got some giving to do", 15 years in fact.
    No need to make a big issue with her maybe just put dome distance in between you then you'll naturally just drift further apart to a place that you feel comfortable with.
    We only met you on Saturday but we already can see you're a lovely girl & deserve a lot better than your friend seems to be giving you
     
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  8. SteLinda

    SteLinda PV Sprtr

    All I can say is I'm a great believer in the idea that true friends are the ones who are there for you when you need them not expect you to be there for them because they want you....
     
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  9. Hi,
    In life you get your givers and you're takers of which you are a 100% giver.

    Lots of advice from people above who all have their view on the subject and have offered valid opinions for them. In the end the decisions is yours, weighing up all the pro's and cons for you.

    In the end you have the advice but you make the decision you feel comfortable with.

    Xxxxx :0))
     
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  10. Pearls

    Pearls Site Owner Staff Admin

    What I see here is not much of a friend and seems you are doing all the running, this behaviour by your friend comes down to jealousy, you are obviously doing things that she wants, friendship is important but has to be both sided and it seems here there are issues with this person that is not being explained. Jealousy issues for sure hun and if the friendship is worth it then I would ask her what her issues are. Good luck hun xx
     
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  11. AutumnH

    AutumnH PV

    Thank you everyone for the advice, and I can see that everyone is saying more or less the same thing.

    This is a really interesting point, if she were to leave I would not be upset at all. We haven't spoken for almost 12 months and I have had no desire to contact her in any way. The only reason that I kept her as a friend on Facebook is because I wanted for her to see how much fun I was having without her (as in, travelling to New York, Disney land Paris, photographs with other friends she doesn't know etc.) I know that sounds petty and childish, but I felt that I was getting back in control of myself and showing her bluntly that I don't need her to be happy.

    I posted on here and I've spoken to other people because I want the reassurance that I wasn't being unreasonable at her last birthday, not because I miss her. I really, really don't. But I want to come out of this connection as the one who's not being an arsehole. I don't want to be the one who ends it on bad terms and cross words. If she wants to do that, then I can walk away easily.

    Of course, if she contacts me and asks to talk and discuss things, then of course I'll hear her out. But I would tell her that I don't want to be friends and I think it's best to disconnect.

    I think her sister contacted me, so that when she presents the dvd with all the birthday messages, she can act and look like Betty Big Bollocks and have the satisfaction of saying "look what I got H to do". I am not a puppet, I am not going to pander to her anymore, it's my turn to be selfish and look after my Self and wellbeing, like I have done for the past 12 months.

    So how do I tell her to fuck off and ram the dvd up her arse whilst being polite? :rolleyes:
     
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  12. Maybe just explain to her sister that you feel your sentiments aren't appreciated, especially after the previous cinema episode and that your friendship has dwindled because how you were made to feel. Twist it on her so it sounds like you are the one hurt.
     
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  13. Well done young lady xxx :0))
     
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  14. Or just tell her that you're already booked for a part in Coronation Street as the long lost niece of Bet Lynch and you've finally come back to seek revenge on the residents and owner of BetterBuy Reg Holdsworth. You were robbed of your inheritance by the mangerial mongrel and want your 20% discount back.
    And your agent has tied you to a contract with ITV and they have exclusive rights to any media appearence.

    Or just go with my previous suggestion. Which might be best.

    Probably.
     
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  15. h0rnyuk

    h0rnyuk PV Sprtr

    I find your knowledge of Corrie disturbing:rofl:
     
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  16.  
  17. This gives a lot more clarity to my 'forgiving nature' response earlier. Didnt realise there'd been no contact for 12 months.

    With regards to the video, I'd just be straight now with the sister and say 'we havent even spoken for 12 months so I don't feel comfortable in doing so.'

    Just be honest and true to yourself. If they don't like it, then its not your fault the truth hurts.
     
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  18. Hes a disturbed kinda guy ;) :D xx
     
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  19. So do I fella. :palm:
     
  20. :eek:
     
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  21. Perhaps, tell her sister, that it was your freind who made a choice, through her selfish actions, many months ago not you. Her selfish actions made it clear, how much she valued your freindship.
    Freindships are give and take on an equal par. You had to work that day, end of.
    Her refusal to re-arrange, was petty and quite frankly unreasonable/ridiculous.
    Her sister contacts you to make a birthday video after all this time? Really?
    Theres an old saying with freinds like that...
    Quite frankly id be inclined to tell her to stick it where the sun don't shine..
    In a nutshell if you miss her... theres your answer..
    If you don't theres another answer..
    Go with your heart.
    X

    Re posted i seem to have got several posts in there!! Hmmnm
    Must be brokennnnn :D
     
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  22. Looby&Lew

    Looby&Lew PV Sprtr

    Me too.....what's worse I knew all of those characters .... maybe @Kwaka_Rider has a new career in mind
     
  23. h0rnyuk

    h0rnyuk PV Sprtr

    Telly Addicts went off air years ago!
     
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  24. AutumnH

    AutumnH PV

    Small update:
    After careful consideration and taking into account advice and ideas, I have decided to ignore the message about the video.
    It'll probably cause shit, but I will not be told to jump anymore.

    Watch this space! As soon as I know anything, I'll update you all :)
     
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