The DOM vs The "dom"

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8 October 2015
53
277
City
Liverpool
So being part of swing for a while and fet for just as long you start to notice things. Now when you read someones profile and it specifiys they want a dom who can do x, y and z and will take control and make them do this and that and the other and all that jazz its great. People should always be open up to try new things and explore new heights of excitement.

The issue is when you have a DOM and a "dom".

Now my own personal explanation of this is as follows and please please tell me if i am wrong or you feel i am being a turd in anything i say lol.

DOM: this is a person who not only talks kink and fet but actually acts upon what they say. They dont just blow hot air out of their ass and make themselves look like the "UBER DOM". They will ask you questions about your experiences, they will enquirer to your fantasies and desires even though you have said what you want on your profile. The reason for this is because a good DOM will want to know everything there is to know about the up coming play. No point just doing the bog standard when you can take someone above and beyond now is there. Why be the same as the rest of the apples when you can be the pineapple.
The DOM will enquirer about safe-words, they will make sure you are aware of what is to come. They will make sure you are aware of what is entailed. They will look after you every step of the play and even afterwords.

"dom": this person will read your profile and will tell you what you think you want to hear, they will sound good on paper but when it comes to crunch time they may just disappoint. they may not be in it for your satisfaction or pleasure and may not even care what you really wanted from this whole play. this "dom" is a smoke blower and is probably well built and has the gift of the gab, does well in social situations and can smooth talk even when you feel this may not be right.

Now me personally i dont know what i would be, personally i would hope i am The DOM rather than The "dom" as i go out of my way to make every play as enjoyable for the play partner as i can make it.

We all have a type and we all have a style, but be mindful of what you ask for to what you actually get. One bad experience can ruin a lifetime of experiences.

All the best and fun swings ahead :D
 

Admin

Admin
15 September 2014
38,759
95,606
One of the biggest issues is this... the Dom wannabes... I can talk the talk, be hard(!?) be firm, be strict.. But they're not gents. ;)
That's a Dom, not fucking beating women and forcing them into submission!!! Especially online 'doms'
Imho there is nothing worse than a hovering 'dom' who seeks vulnerable subs that 'need' their guidance and effectively forced submission.
Assholes.. some of them. They have it all wrong and it's tantamount to abuse when they find vulnerable subs. I find it abhorrent.
 
8 October 2015
53
277
City
Liverpool
Its an unfortunate circumstance of events.
I once spoke to someone for over 2 weeks about play and to be then told i was not DOM enough because i cared to much about what she wanted out of the play. Its things like this that give the scene a bad name also :(.
 
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Admin

Admin
15 September 2014
38,759
95,606
Yes agreed, it can swing in roundabouts.
Seems there's too many misconceptions about lots of ideologies and practices in both scenes/lifestyles.. sadly
 

Therapon

Admin
11 August 2015
24,143
47,921
I've just come off the dark site and found someone listed as a Nerd - what the hell is that or was he just stating he is one? :confused:
 
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Therapon

Admin
11 August 2015
24,143
47,921
Unreal... Being nerdy is 'cool' nowadays.. stroll on.

I'm losing the will to live ............ :rofl::rofl: sheesh there are close to 900 fetishes on the dark site and you have the ability to bulk add them for gods sake. Maybe we should make a few up and get them listed :whistle::whistle:.
 
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8 October 2015
53
277
City
Liverpool
oh that is easy to do :D, ermmmmmmm masturbating over php code, ejaculating over syntax errors, orgasm denial with 500 errors :p
 
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Admin

Admin
15 September 2014
38,759
95,606
Agreed..... So many we could make up, but then they'd probably be listed somewhere though... :p
 

Therapon

Admin
11 August 2015
24,143
47,921
oh that is easy to do :D, ermmmmmmm masturbating over php code, ejaculating over syntax errors, orgasm denial with 500 errors :p

Uhmm, nah, php never got me excited, sytax errors were more a pain in the bum and I think that comes under the anal banner anyway. :D
 
8 October 2015
53
277
City
Liverpool
i have to say subs are not much better hey i am a submissive but don't do that or that actually i am only a sub if you do what i want when and where i want and then i get to moan if you don't do it to my satisfaction lol
HAHAHAHAHAHA Oh god the amount of times this has actually happened its untrue lol.

People think they are submissive just because they like there ass smacked while being fucked...... no that just means you like a little rough play. Im a DOM and to be honest i love it when my hair is pulled. i will also bottom from time to time in impact play but im not a submissive or switch.

LMAO its times like this that make me actually wonder about why i try to explain things to people
 
D

D7andFLC

After a fair few numbers of years exploring, I've seen this sort of post on fet sites on lots of occasions, and it always rises a lot of healthy discussion. For some people it's about whips and chains, for others it having their submission taken from them, for many it's about getting what they want out of play....the list of wants and needs could go on and on. Is there a right way, a list of do's and don'ts which qualifies you as either a Dom or a sub?
There's a lot of play in both fet and swinging which isn't for me, but that isn't to say that any of it's wrong or makes people more or less of something.
Surely it's about finding the other half who compliments what you're looking for, rather than restricting yourself to how others think things should go?
I've often read that both fet and swinging are inhabited by open minded people - I sometimes struggle to believe this is so.
D7
 
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Admin

Admin
15 September 2014
38,759
95,606
Surely it's about finding the other half who compliments what you're looking for, rather than restricting yourself to how others think things should go?
I've often read that both fet and swinging are inhabited by open minded people - I sometimes struggle to believe this is so.
D7

I must say, I agree a lot with this. It's actually quite a lot of the opposite - with blinkers..
So I do tend to agree on your post here. (y) x
 
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TownhouseTwosome

VIP Member
5 April 2015
156
641
I've seen many dom's come and go over the years and I can usually spot them a mile off. I have also seen my fair share of Uber Dom's who equally come unstuck in the end. To be honest, I am getting a bit tired of the BDSM scene and all of the bolitics. Bring back the days when one would have to be invited and given a reference to attend a play party! That will never happen now in the age of the internet, but the good old days really were, the good old days.
50 shades of shite has brought with it, as predicted, a massive onslaught of domly wannabes and it's tiresome. BDSM doesn't just happen. BDSM is in you and evolves over time. A movie does not a Dom make! lol
 
18 July 2015
52,761
113,608
I've seen many dom's come and go over the years and I can usually spot them a mile off. I have also seen my fair share of Uber Dom's who equally come unstuck in the end. To be honest, I am getting a bit tired of the BDSM scene and all of the bolitics. Bring back the days when one would have to be invited and given a reference to attend a play party! That will never happen now in the age of the internet, but the good old days really were, the good old days.
50 shades of shite has brought with it, as predicted, a massive onslaught of domly wannabes and it's tiresome. BDSM doesn't just happen. BDSM is in you and evolves over time. A movie does not a Dom make! lol
So so true and BDSM is in you. It cant just pop up in your life and just say over night Im a Dom or Domm xx
 
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K

Kikuchiyo

I've seen many dom's come and go over the years and I can usually spot them a mile off. I have also seen my fair share of Uber Dom's who equally come unstuck in the end. To be honest, I am getting a bit tired of the BDSM scene and all of the bolitics. Bring back the days when one would have to be invited and given a reference to attend a play party! That will never happen now in the age of the internet, but the good old days really were, the good old days.
50 shades of shite has brought with it, as predicted, a massive onslaught of domly wannabes and it's tiresome. BDSM doesn't just happen. BDSM is in you and evolves over time. A movie does not a Dom make! lol

I have to agree with you, I have only really tried to get involved in the scene and sadly (other than a few lovely people) the most common experience has been drama and bickering. I guess I was a little naive but I had assumed that a shared interest among people would have meant a better atmosphere, but it just feels like so many people have a particular axe to grind and woe betide anyone who disagrees.

A real shame as the good people I have met through what has amounted to little more than dipping a toe have been amazing and are people who I would count as some of my closest friends
 
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Admin

Admin
15 September 2014
38,759
95,606
What I will say, is the online bickering over on FL is laughable but sad.. :(
Thing is, and I am being honest - from what I have seen and done there, people seem to be seeing FL as an alternative to another well known swinging site, to try and get 'laid' from there... Hence the influx of numpties over the past year-18 months, if you think about it.. a lot of the peeps there now, are no different to some of the numpties found on the other site.

The FSOG crew ballsed it up for the scene too.
 
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L

Leather

I love the 50 shades of shit... This is a way of life end of, you just cant watch a film and decide that is for me, "now strip and let me whip you"
I am a real time Domm and Lace is a real time sub, we have been in the scene for almost 20 years, we dont get involved now on line as too many fakes.
We are happy being just us and living a more private life, back in the day it was so different but as @TownhouseTwosome said the internet has ruined it.
BDSM is not about getting kicks out of pain, I have said it before, Its old fashioned romance and respect, anyone can hold a whip and claim to be a Dom....Sorry no way xx
 
6 October 2015
252
616
Bring back the days when one would have to be invited and given a reference to attend a play party! That will never happen now in the age of the internet, but the good old days really were, the good old days.
Yes and no, as I see it.
I've had interests and desires for many many years but never had any way of exploring or expressing them prior to finding others with similar interests on-line. The 'good old days' were all very well if you were lucky enough to be sufficiently well connected. I was never able to find my way into the 'cliques' and was never in a position to be invited - without the internet, I feel I'd live out my life without any chance to explore what I feel is an essential part of my being.

oh that is easy to do :D, ermmmmmmm masturbating over php code, ejaculating over syntax errors, orgasm denial with 500 errors :p
I get a 404 every time I look for a bra catch - I often have to refresh several times.
:confused:
 
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